You Love The Idea Of Me
To say the least, love isn't my strong suit. Like all human beings, I come with my own set of flaws, demons and areas where I need to grow. But I also come with qualities of strength, wisdom, support, motivation, sexual satisfaction, etc. All qualities that women usually insist on having in a man they want to spend their life with. But I have learned that sometimes people like the idea of someone more than they like the actual person.
My ex used to stare at me alot. When I would wash the dishes, open the door for her, or just be watching tv. She would just stare. My spirit told me she was just envisioning. She was picturing me in her future. To the point where I questioned if she was ever actually "there". There with me in the present time. I often felt subjected to someone's version of perfect. Because before the sit down, before the hand holding, before the long weekends, comes the idea of what we want something to be.
I was the idea. That on the surface, I was admired for my wisdom, but my wisdom in abundance, became too much. I was admired for my outspokenness but my outspokenness when frequently accessible became overwhelming. The first time they feel your touch, it feels like heaven on earth but once they feel your touch in abundance they stop appreciating it.
It's not until our presence is removed from a person's life do they appreciate the person you are amongst millions of people who are simply not you. My ex used to wake up everyday feeling different than the day before. I found myself waking up ready to love the same way I did yesterday but her mood had changed, the "Good morning, king" had stopped. And eventually I learned that she was just receiving the attention of other men. Devastating news? Not at all. Cus sure enough, came an apology. She had informed me, "I dated other men and they don't love me like you do. They don't talk to me like you do."
This experience taught me not to trust the emotions of people. As they can change. I now only trust consistency. Love is a choice. A decision. Someone has to wake up every day and choose you. Not the idea of who they want you to be, but simply just choose you as you are. Choose you when you're not as happy. Choose you when you do remove your Superman cape and become Clark Kent. Whose gonna love you when you are at your weakest? When you are broke with nothing?
My good friend said to me one day that she married her best friend. That they got married because they both wanted to grow together. They both cared a great deal about each other's evolution through this world we call "life". She said when he was chasing his dreams, she paid the bills, she paid for the groceries and when he finally finished school and got a job, he then made 3x what she did and he was then providing for her as she chased her dreams.
That inspired me and taught me that though I may possess the qualities of a good man, we all must eliminate our fantasies of Mr. or Mrs. Perfect and ask ourselves do we love someone for who they are or who we want them to be. People come with a past and a path before we meet them. As complicated as love can be, it first starts with acceptance. Tomorrow isn't promised, and the past is already gone. All we have is today. Wake up each day and choose the person your with.