I'm Crying But I'm Okay

TruthCity live at The Formula ATL at Aisle 5 x Photo By: Matt Ogilvie

TruthCity live at The Formula ATL at Aisle 5 x Photo By: Matt Ogilvie

I've always had a strong connection to people who use drugs. I understand more than they think I do. My drug is just different from theirs. I read, write down conversations, watch business tutorials, I have over 20 business plans written down and all these things are nothing more than ways of distracting myself from the pain I feel inside. If it wasn't for music I would have probably committed suicide.

We are all created different. We feel differently, react differently, think differently. How you may feel and deal with something is uncomputable to a person with a different past, a different upbringing, a different soul. My brand's positive identity is rooted in understanding that pain is temporary. Breakups, the loss of friends/family members, the feeling of being unfulfilled,  it can all be solved with a choice. But it is also okay to feel. Tears are important. The shedding of fears, bad memories, losses, everything needs an exit, not a replacement.

I cry often. Almost once or twice every couple weeks. I cry when I think of the love I've lost. I cry for the friends who I no longer talk to, who I still love dearly. I cry for the things that always seem to go wrong despite all my efforts to ensure they don't. I cry for the things I don't have answers to. I cry when God ignores me and makes me figure out things on my own. I cry on stage in front of hundreds of people because my words bring back memories, and my one wish is for the world to know it's ok to be open. But after the tears comes reflection. What was God trying to teach me about this situation? What was the lesson and how can I take it and never feel this way again. One of my biggest fears in life is repeating the same mistakes again. I'm sure those reading this right now can relate to that and how impossible it is to navigate that fear. Its like someone killing you and bringing you back to life just to tell you you're going to die the same way and there's nothing you can do to change it. You would spend your whole life trying to do things differently. 

My tears are not weakness. My tears hold memories. My tears hold lessons. I wish I would've kept every shirt I've ever cried on. I'm sure somewhere a rose grows in the place where my tears have dropped. My tears don't make me less a man than I am. I know the ability to express one's emotions is a battle most men never conquer and I'm blessed to be as expressive as I am. Everyday is a fight to figure out where my next meal will come from. Everyday is a fight wondering do people even appreciate the help I give to my community. I'm an artist at the end of the day and that career is one of the most unappreciated and underpaid professions in the world. To express yourself in this world is seen as doing the most, emotional, crazy. But those who let out their pain for the world to see are heroes. Artists are heroes. Examples for a depressed nation of pill poppers, finger pointers and self hating hypocrites. 

My eyes are watering as I write this but I'm okay. I don't need pity. I don't need a shoulder. I don't need anything but to let these tears fall and pray that God has a purpose for all this pain. Because after I'm done crying Im going to win. I'm going to win for every tear dropped. I'm going to look in the mirror when I cry so I can see the beauty of my release. Freedom from the dark places of my mind that once almost took my life. More importantly I acknowledge I have no exoneration of responsibility for all the things that have happened to me. Loving the women I loved was a decision. The days I may have said something wrong, or the days I didn't communicate were to blame for the outcome of my relationships. And visversa for them I'm sure. I'm to blame for ignoring God's signs and messages. We all make choices that ultimately determine the outcome, forgetting the outcome was already written. It is what we take from those situations that truly becomes the determining factor of how we are able to move forward and win. Rid yourself of pointing blame at anyone but yourself. For the people or things involved in your pain were merely tools of God to teach you discipline. Your life partner is merely a reflection of all the things you need to work on inside. Your enemies are vessels used to extract the sin from your heart. They are your mirrors. Not your problems. 

When you apply for a job, they ask you for what? Your experience? Life is similar. You have to experience things in order to qualify for the life you ultimately want. So take it all in. Take in the joy, the pain, the lessons, everything! And build from it. Cry and then win.