I Almost Committed Suicide

Photo by Matt Ogilvie

Photo by Matt Ogilvie

Depression is a real thing. It's not some made up emotion. Its a feeling of isolation. It feels like your life has no real value. When you open your mouth to speak no one seems to understand you. Your friends all have their own lives so theres only so much energy they can give you. Most don't even want to be around depressed people. Its an emotion that doctors try to treat with pills that end up doing more damage to you. Because if it's in our heads it means we can control it. Right?

I battled depression all my life. It's something I still deal with and is even worse now because of all the eyes on me. The expectation to succeed and be Mr.Inspirational weighs on how I talk on a daily basis and who I talk to. Which is usually no one. I am a leader to my team. A big brother to my sister. A son to my mother. But I'm not sure what I am to myself sometimes. Some of my peers think I'm a hard ass who works every second of every hour. In a sense that's true but I often spend alot of days trying to stay out of my head. I cry randomly when no one is around. I dive so deep into my work it's almost just me begging someone to compliment my latest success so I can feel like my being has purpose. 

My mother was a victim of sexual assault and I wasn't told that till I was older. I grew up with out a father or even a mention of him. My mother worked 3 jobs to take care of me so her presence was scarce in my early years. But unlike most children I didn't lash out. I stayed to myself. My mother had been through enough. I didn't want to add to it. But that in turn made me quiet. I kept my thoughts to myself. I said I was ok when I wasn't. I took up poetry at a young age to express myself. 

I been in and out of relationships because I was afraid to be alone. Women listen to you when they love you. But eventually I started to run into women with their own demons and I became the shoulder. So my inner problems didn't matter. Once people see you as source of strength it's hard for them to picture you differently. One of my exes even watched me cry and didn't have anything to say. She just watched. It's shocking when I go into my depression to others because of the image I've created. 

When it comes to branding I chose to brand myself how I wanted to see myself. Positive. Resilient. Strong. Kind. Caring. I put an image up in the sky and worked hard to be that so maybe some other person watching can be inspired every day. The words I write on social media are usually words I'm writing to myself so I can read them.

When I was 16 I found a gun in the woods. I don't remember what kind it was. I just remember coming home and locking my door and staring at it late at night. I didn't know anything about guns. I hadn't moved to NY yet lol. I just knew this gun was an option. I could stop the pain. I could stop feeling like I didn't have any purpose to live. My palms were really sweaty and my eyes were soak and wet. My pants were too from the tears. I could barely see I was crying so hard and my hand was shaking seriously. I closed my eyes, The trigger felt really hard to squeeze. My hand shaking furiously I squeezed and nothing happened. To this day I don't know what happen, I just remember throwing it on the bed, scared of it. I didn't want it near me. I couldn't even believe I just tried to end it all.

I'm writing this because I know how it feels. I still feel it. When your everything to everyone but nothing to yourself. You feel like if you disappeared for a week you may only get 3 or 4 real people who care to even look for you. I've contemplated suicide multiple times in my life. I watched trains come and stood close to the edge on purpose. I watched cars drive by wondering if I should just step out in front. Death is something that is traumatizing to us as humans. We do everything to avoid it. We do all this living, all this work just to die one day and it all be gone. Man has created things like religion to deal with the questions they can't find answers to. People close to us die and we are reminded again that this will inevitably be our fate one day.

I chose to look at life differently. If we only have so many promised days on this earth I wanted to spend mine helping and uplifting people. I wanted my music and the things I went through to help someone. I found purpose. You have purpose despite feeling sometimes you don't. Don't spend a second in negativity. Dealing with depression is a day to day thing. Take it one step at a time. Its time to stop dwelling and start living. Go get uncomfortable. Center yourself around people and around things that make you smile. Accept death. You are born with it. Carry it and live. Once you overcome your fear of the inevitable nothing will scare you. Nothing will keep you away from living every second like it's your last. We all share the same fate. So we should all have the same compassion for each other's lives.

There is love to spread. There is something you can offer someone who is just like you. You can make the lives of everyone on this earth better by spreading love and kindness. Along the way you will pick up hobbies that may become life skills. You may click with someone who will teach you things you never thought existed. If you have breath, you have purpose. The key to finding inner peace is to not look for it in things or people but to look at yourself and love you. Love your hair, love your flaws, love your body, etc. There are no two people made the same in this world. You were born unique before the world gave you your reality. Take your life back and live. You deserve YOU.

God Bless